Friday, July 25, 2008

This will be a blog about a boy . . . or a man.

I have not blogged in a while. In almost six months to be exact. A lot has happened to me. Most of it bad. But we won't talk about all of the bad stuff, only the bad stuff I want to talk about. What kind of bad stuff do I want to talk about? I want to talk about liking and loving and everything in between. No, not really everything, but a few of the things.

I fell in love with a man in less than a week. More like three days. Do you believe that's possible? I didn't. I'm a pessimist when it comes to those kinds of things, so why would I believe that it were truly possible, especially for a woman like me. Well, it happened. It happened and it scared the shit out of me. So I did what I do best, I pushed him away. Far, far away. I pushed him away by telling him the truth about me: I hate myself. I've always hated myself. I will probably always hate myself. I don't always want to hate myself. It's just part of who I am. I'm good at hating myself. I've never had any real reasons to love myself. And so, when I needed to learn to love myself, so that I could finally get what I wanted from someone else, I couldn't do it. I ruined it with my insecurities and self-hate and bullshit. And now I can't stop thinking about him.

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