Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I should probably go to sleep . . .

But instead I will treat my one (or two?)readers to a drunk blog.

I have had a raucous and disgusting last few days. That's right. My holiday weekend has been filled with debauchery and misappropriated sensuality and drunkenness. Since Friday I have been drunk, high, and belly-full. Oh yes, I also woke up in a bed which was not mine. A gay man's bed. Use your deductive reasoning . . . and the deduced truth, is THE truth. I'm not sure how it came about.

But I am not proud of this last fact. Normally, it would not bother me. Especially since I have come to realize that women like me are only good for fucking and don't register in those whole emotional departments. It's a good thing for those assholes that I just want to travel the world and could give a shit about being someone's "Special Someone." Except, that it does bother me to have to pretend I don't want certain things. It bothers me because over the weekend I also made a drunken call to Mr. TO1 and told him that I was missing him and thinking about him. My reward? The obvious one: Silence. GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK FUCKING SKULL!!!! HE IS NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU!!!! HE'S NOT GOING TO WAIT TO LOVE SOME INSECURE, FAT, UGLY, NON-WHITE SHIT-GIRL.

It has to sink in. What choice do I have?

What the fuck kind of idiot am I? I am one of those women. He is on the other side of this country laughing at me with whatever hot piece of action is gracing his bed, and I continue to hope for second chances. I wish second chances believed in me.


AK said...

This sounds eerily similar to a journal entry I wrote after I moved to San Francisco. Lesson: drunk (and coke) dialing are not a good idea. You need to lose the bad "I'm not good enough for anybody to want me" attitude though. Ain't true!

In the meantime, keep partyin'... and apparently converting gay boys...

BonBon! said...

I need to stop doing stupid shit. I know this. But it keeps happening.

I don't know if I did any real "converting" per se. Hard ons appear to create a powerful fog which disconnects the synapses and neurons in a man's brain which allow him to commit to his love for other hard male bodies. Or so I theorize.

I feel like an asshole and am truly ashamed of myself. Stupid.