Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Things I love about the internet . . .

You really can find anything on the net. Anything. I've been looking for information on the most efficient ways to commit suicide. Yes, that's right. I am very interested in the subject. I'm not sure how soon I'd go about it, if only because it bothers me to think I'd upset my mother a bit. It only bothers me a little. I am slowly getting to the point where even her feelings don't influence me. I used to say that if my mother weren't alive, I'd do it. I'd do it without hesitation. I'd probably say screw the fact that there might be pain, step in front of an oncoming 18-wheeler and be done with it. My mother will be fine. She has people in her life who would take good care of her and hopefully help her understand that I am much better off dead than alive. I have not contributed one thing to this world. Not one. I am 31 years old and have nothing to show for who I am. I'm alone, I'm unemployed, in debt up to my eyeballs, and have no prospect for even the sorriest of jobs. I can't even get McDonald's to call me back for an interview. What does that say to you?

I'm ready to be done with this life. I don't want to be here (alive, on Earth, whatever) any more. I just have to figure out how to do it, where to do it, and when to do it.

I'm so tired of pretending I want to be here. I hope it's black. I hope it's really dark, empty, and less scary than life. Please let it be.

4 comments:

allaboutgeorge said...

Hey, you sure about that?

being stalked said...

I recall having some weird vision or dream years ago in which I died and after I realized I died I was like, "Why on earth was I ever suicidal? I didn't really mean I wanted to die, I meant I really wanted to live but wasn't doing it!"

BonBon! said...

I am probably more sure about this than I am about what it is I am doing on this planet.

AK said...

I empathize. But I always have a moment later where I think "thank god I lived long enough to experience THIS."

So... hang in there, if only to smoke that doob with me someday in Dolores Park.

Plus, y'know, it would fuck your mom up real bad.